Finally free.

NP: For My Pain... – ‘Queen Misery’


Hello cute people, wie geht’s?
I’m doing mega fine, thank you very much.

So that’s it. One year and 2 months after being hired to work at a layout architecture office I’ve decided to quit it. Apparently the ‘new Ana’ thing is working out, as all my wishes are being granted. So that’s why I always say ‘be careful what you wish for, as it might end up happening’.

So today was my last day and I couldn’t be happier. It’s like a huge burden is out of my chest, as much as a huge amount of money is out of my bank account, aye.

Contras:
- I won’t return to German classes so soon, as I have no allowance for a while. Let’s face it, it’s not easy being unemployed;
- No more chocolate crèpe on Fridays;
- No more friends around all the time;
- No more laughing at the boss.

Pros:
- No more being ill all the time;
- No more waking up at 7am;
- No more being mad at the whole world for working in such a damned place;
- No more cursing the hours;
- No more working till 22:30 without earning extra;
- No more feeling stupid and no more betrayal feelings;
- No more bad food or sandwiches for lunch;
- No more gaining weight;
- No more traffic jams;
- No more bad radio stations;
- No more ‘project control’ or ‘dxreader’;
- No more working on Saturdays;
- No more missing life over stupid people and a stupid job;
- No more miss nice girl… at least for a while.

Now it’s time to concentrate on ME.

This is supposed to be the year of truth, when all that will happen is to do with choices from the past. There’s no bellyaching, there’s no regret! There’s just trying to do and being the best.

Astrologically speaking, this is the year of Saturn, and that means to be structured and to face the truth. This is the time to enjoy the benefits (or damages) of what we have built so far. That’s why this year will be different for each of us, because we have all built different things in the past, and now it’s harvest time! You’ve planted flower seeds? You’ll harvest flowers. You’ve planted orcs? They’ll hunt you down.

According to the Tarot, this is the year of Justice, the 8th card. Justice is balanced, cold and rational. She only acts after thinking a lot and her decisions are completely made based upon the truth. That’s why I’ve also added Metallica at the end of this post. Because it suits it all fine.

So far I’m happy. I’m free and following my heart and my truth. I won’t betray myself anymore. I’ll do what it takes in order to be faithful to myself. I don’t care much about the rest for now. I’ve lost too much time and energy on them and I’ve decided to have a little fun with myself for once.

So based on my own truth, I’m free! It was the only choice. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, there’s just ‘I fell’, and I’ll follow that this year.

I’m decided to follow my heart, my dreams and even though fate will play its part I have my free will.

First resolution of the year (or the last of 2005): to leave work. To leave the one thing that hurt me all it could this past year. It sucked not only my will to go on, but also all of my energy.

I’ve grown a lot last year, I’ve learnt a lot, I was taught very important things to use in the future: such as a person, such as an architect. I’m thankful for the past experiences and to the time people devoted to teach me. I’m not thankful for the physical aspect of the result though, as I became harsh, bitter and it’s as if the innocence is gone. I fear for what might come next.

I’ve learnt how to ‘read’ people and understand why they behave as they do. And I pity them, as all they ask for is attention. They don’t need happiness or a good life. They want to be rich and famous, and I despise both desires. I loathe the one who hunts for those statuses and I can only but pity them. What can I say: I was born to be a hobbit and they were born to become Saruman. And thank gods he dies in the end!!!

We have to admit the ring is shiny, it calls our names, but it only wants to get back to whom it belongs to. It does not belong to me, and I’m happy to know so.

All of the power we can achieve with it, all of the fame, oh, some would be proud. They want to reach high, they want to control the entire world, and yet they can’t control themselves. Their feelings consume them and they die each day corrupted by what they have become.

Meanwhile I went back to Mordor and destroyed the ring. Some suffered and pretended to die, some became kings, and some were just really happy to know that, and all I thought about was to end it all soon to be set free and return to that good old life in the Shire. Ahhh, finally free… there, and back again. ^^




Metallica – ‘… And Justice For All’

'Halls of Justice Painted Green
Money Talking
Power Wolves Beset Your Door
Hear Them Stalking
Soon You'll Please Their Appetite
They Devour
Hammer of Justice Crushes You
Overpower

Apathy Their Stepping Stone
So Unfeeling
Hidden Deep Animosity
So Deceiving
Through Your Eyes Their Light Burns
Hoping to Find
Inquisition Sinking You
With Prying Minds

Lady Justice Has Been Raped
Truth Assassin
Rolls of Red Tape Seal Your Lips
Now You're Done in
Their Money Tips Her Scales Again
Make Your Deal
Just What Is Truth?
I Cannot Tell Cannot Feel

The Ultimate in Vanity
Exploiting Their Supremacy
I Can't Believe the Things You Say
I Can't Believe the Price We Pay
Nothing Can Save You
Justice Is Lost
Justice Is Raped
Justice Is Gone
Pulling Your Strings
Justice Is Done
Seeking No Truth
Winning Is All
Find it So Grim
So True
So Real’



And today’s song, to remind me of this day:

For My Pain... – ‘Queen Misery’’

Too many broken promises in her fragile life
Too many secret thoughts she tried to hide that night
So hard she tried to escape
But the pain was everywhere

No, take this pain away
Even for one day
She cried on her own grave
Please, demons set me free
My heart has started to bleed
I have become the queen misery
And it seems to last forever
She tried to reach to the stars all her life
But her mind fell apart every time’

Almost there...